A Letter To My Mother

 

broken heart

To the Mother who couldn’t love her daughter and the Family who allowed it:

I grew up knowing that there was something wrong between us. The tension in the air and that mean look you always managed to give. I spent my childhood seeing my friends have amazing, loving relationships with their mothers, and then there was you and me. We never really spoke because you chose to yell instead. We never did anything together because you were too busy pawning me off on all of our family members. You were the mother and I was the child. Soon, we became strangers and I had no other choice but to figure things out on my own.

As I grew older, I began to understand why you didn’t love me with a love most mothers had for their child: I was your mistake. I was the one thing in your life that reminded you of all the mistakes in your past, including my father. I was a reminder to all the sadness and hate you felt. I just wanted to let you know, because of your hatred towards me, I hated myself. Because of your lack of being a caring mother, you always managed to put me in bad situations where I was harmed and abused in ways you couldn’t imagine. There was no point in telling you because I knew you didn’t care.

As a growing adult, there were times when I had flashbacks of scenes from my childhood. I heard echoes of your voice reminding me of the hurtful and hateful things you would say. Every day I would hate myself. Every day I would feel more and more worthless. Every day I felt like I didn’t matter. Every day I was faced with figuring things out for myself. I had to learn how to survive on my own. During this time, I noticed something. I noticed your eyes staring back at me, glaring, judging, and full of hate, shame, and anger. I noticed that I saw you in my reflection, and I closed my eyes, refusing to become you.

I wish I could say that you made me stronger and that you have made me independent or that you have been my motivation. I also wish I could say that I am done hating you but I know that I’m not. I will say that I managed to be a better parent than you were. Of course I have made many mistakes but I was never given a good example and again, I had to figure it out all by myself. I will never allow myself to let my children hate themselves because of how I treat them. I promise to be my children’s best friend and put them over anything or anyone. I promise to be everything you weren’t. The sad part is that I was holding on my mother-in-law’s hand in the hospital when my children were born instead of yours. My children will lack a grandmother. I will lack a mother’s guidance and wisdom.

I have found many people in my life who love me and care for me without question. I have found people who accept my mistakes and love me though all my poor decisions from the past. I have found who my true family is and I will continue to live my life without you. I will try to stop imagining what it would be like to have you.

I am not motherless, I just don’t have you. I have amazing people in my life to share myself with, I just don’t have you. I am growing and becoming a wonderful adult that a mother would be proud of, I just don’t have you. I never really had you, and I never will.

Michelle Marie Jones

Are any of my wunderful readers have issues with your family? How do you deal with it? I would love to know. Don’t forget to hit follow. I will follow you back!

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