For so many years, I’ve felt like a burden because of my anxiety. I find myself saying “I’m sorry” a lot and most times, I don’t exactly know what I’m sorry for. I think it’s because I feel as though I carry a great deal of excess baggage. I don’t want to put anyone out because of my anxiety and the person that I am. And I especially don’t want the people who I love and care for to judge me but don’t have control of that. I don’t want to continue to say that I’m sorry, but honestly, I am. I’ve heard how unreasonable it is that I worry about certain things and I have been told on many instances that I need to stop worrying. If only it were that easy.
Sometimes, I wonder if anyone genuinely believes that I enjoy worrying or that I enjoy when my stomach is in knots or that my mind and heart can’t stop racing. Please understand that if I could flip a switch and turn off the anxiety, I would, but I’m not wired that way. With my anxiety comes sensitivity. I am a very fragile person, no matter what people may think of me. The way in which you use your words are not taken lightly by me. Anxiety is real and it’s painful. It’s numbing and it’s a great big ball of fear, scrambled thoughts and worry. When I am in an anxious state, I can’t think straight and I fixate on things. When I say fixate, I mean obsess and over think. I keep things to myself because it’s easier for me to deal with. I manage to come to the worst conclusions in most situations or stress over things that may not even be real or happening. The worst part is not being able to shut these feeling down. But, please know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love with everything that I have.
Anxiety doesn’t come with a guide. It can hit me anytime or anywhere and leave me a jumbled mess. When I am in an anxious state, I can’t hear your words because the thoughts in my head are so much louder. They get away from me and many times I talk over people. I have many worries and fears, which makes things worse for me. If you tell me you’re going to do something, then please do it. I may drive you crazy by asking you 4 or 5 times just to make sure. I know it can be extremely frustrating for you but it’s what I need to feel secure and less anxious. I just need to feel like I have some sort of control of my mind.
My anxiety is a battle but my anxiety doesn’t define me. It’s a huge aspect of my life and I have accepted that. I am who I am and even though I am riddled with anxiety, I believe that I can still make a difference. Just hug me. Just sit with me. Just be there for me.